Hey, it's Monday morning, and I'm Jack Lucas.
Hi. This is about my husband.
-Yes? -Well, he drives me crazy.
I'll be talking and he'll never let me finish a sentence.
He's always finishing--
He's always finishing your thoughts. That's awful.
It absolutely drives--
It drives you crazy, doesn't it? He's a scoundrel!
Jack, you've hit the nail--
Hit the nail on the head. Yeah, somebody ought to hit you on the head.
Tell us, how long have you and Senator Payton been having this...
...this sleazy affair?
Oh, great.
This is great.
This is disgusting. I'm so tired of the public...
... invading a person's private life.
You had sex with a U.S. senator in the parking lot of Sea World.
And you're a private person? No, you're our....
Spotlight Celebrity!
We want to hear about the back seats of limos...
...about the ruined lives of people we want to be.
Exotic uses for champagne corks.
Listen, I have been humiliated enough already, okay?
Well, no, perhaps not. We need those details.
You're a pig, Jack.
You're on the air, caller.
Hello, Jack. It's Edwin.
It's Edwin!
Haven't heard you in, what, a day? I've missed you.
I've missed you too.
It's confession time. What've you got?
I went to this bar, this very, you know, hard-to-get-into place...
... called Babbitt's.
Yeah, it's one of those chic, yuppie watering holes.
I met this beautiful woman.
Come on, Ed. If you start telling me you're in love again...
...I'm gonna remind you of the time we made you propose...
...to that checkout girl at Thrifty's. Do you remember her reaction?
She was just a girl. This is a beautiful woman.
And Pinocchio is a true story.
You'll never get this tart to your dessert plate.
This is different. She likes me.
Edwin!
I told you about these people. They only mate with their own kind.
It's yuppie inbreeding.
That's why they're retarded and wear the same clothes.
They don't feel love. They only negotiate love moments.
They're evil, Edwin.
They're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal...
...everything that America stands for!
They must be stopped before it's too late. It's us or them.
Okay, Jack.
All right.
Well, it's been a thrill, as always. Have a perfect day.
Everyone here at the Jack Lucas Show says " bye."
This is Jack Lucas. So long. Arrivederci.
I'll send you a thought today as I lie in my stretch limo...
...having sex with the teenager of my choice.
And that thought will be:
"Thank God I'm me."
Some of this is very funny.
Cheever secured the Donna Summer song to play over the credits.
I have chills.
You sure they want me? I won't read it without an offer.
Of course. Not even a question.
When I talked to him, I could smell how much they want you.
I could smell it over the phone.
Bums!
I don't have any change.
I'm not opening this window.
A couple of quarters isn't gonna make any difference anyway.
I hate my cheeks.
Raoul called before, about dinner.
About dinner as a concept or about dinner with Raoul?
You're so witty.
I gotta get out of here and do something.
You know, tomorrow is a very big day for me.
lt'd be nice if you pretended to understand.
Fine. I'll say no.
-They're putting me on film tomorrow. -Fine.
First time in my life I'll be a voice with a body.
You know what that means? What this could lead to?
It's a sitcom, Jack. You're not defining pi.
I'll remember that the next time you get excited...
...by drawing pubic hair on Raisin Bran.
You want some?
No, I have to work.
How un-'60s of you.
I was 9 in the '60s.
I used to think...
...my biography ought to be entitled:
"Jack Lucas: The Face Behind the Voice."
But now it could be "Jack Lucas: The Face and the Voice."
Or maybe just...
"Jack!" Exclamation point.
" Honey?"
"Where's my orange cup with the teddy bear?"
" I'll kill that old bitch!"
" I have a fever. I really think I'm dying."
"Well, forgive me!"
" Forgive me."
Forgive me. Forgive me.
Hey, forgive me.
Forgive me.
Hey, forgive me!
Forgive me!
I have it.
I have this.
I really have this.
They're evil.
They're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal...
... everything that America stands for!
They must be stopped before it's too late. It's us or them!
It was Mr. Lucas' remarks that seemed to have fatal impact on Mr. Malnick.
Marc Saffron's on the scene.
Babbitt's is a popular hot spot with single, young professionals.
Edwin Malnick arrived at the peak hour of 7:15...
... took a long look at the collection of the city's best and brightest...
... then removed a shotgun from his overcoat and opened fire.
Seven people were killed before Malnick turned the gun on himself...
...and shot a hole through his head.
Representatives of radio personality Jack Lucas expressed regret.
No formal comment has been made.
Neighbours said Malnick was quiet and lived alone.
His neighbour for 11 years said, "You scarcely knew he was there. "
But few will soon forget this lonely man...
... who reached out to a world he knew only through radio...
... looking for friendship and finding only pain and tragedy.
Marc Saffron. Channel 7 News.
Fuck.
Garbage. People are garbage.
Pigs!
Go right ahead. Right ahead.
Hey, Mr. Happiness.
Are you gonna do a little work today or what?
What, out there?
They're not terrorists, Jack.
They're just ordinary people like you and me.
Breakfast of champions, right?
That one.
It'll be funny, and then the scary one will do.
That one. A scary one and a funny one.
Excuse me. Can you help me?
I've looked for an hour...
...and I'm losing my mind.
I'd like...
...a Katharine Hepburn-y, Cary Grant-y kind of thing.
I can't take anything heavy.
Something zany. I'm looking for something zany.
Or something modern, like a Goldie Hawn-y, Chevy Chase-y thing.
You know, funny. I want to laugh. I have to laugh tonight, really.
Oh, do you have anything with that comedian? He's on that show.
It's On the Radio. You know the guy. He says, " Hey, forgive me!"
I get such a kick out of that. He's so goddamn adorable.
That would be perfect. Didn't he make a movie?
Ordinary Peepholes.
It's kind of a big-titty, spread-cheeky kind of thing.
Excuse me, I just want to borrow him for a minute.
You're gonna love that.
-Frightening woman. -Are you in a mood today?
If she didn't get something zany...
-...she would've killed us all! -Are you in an "emotional abyss"?
Will you explain this to me? I don't understand these moods.
Anne, they're my moods. You want to understand, have your own.
-I hate desperate people. -Sweetie, baby, love of my life...
...you hate people.
Look, why don't you take the day off, go upstairs, put your feet up.
I'll cook tonight.
Right.
You seen my orange cup with the teddy bear?
Grandma used it for her urine specimen.
I'll kill her!
Here I am...
...I'm dying. The doctors are dividing up my estate!
I gotta hide my trophy cups in case Grandma finds herself in a beer hall.
It's funny. What do you want?
It's not funny.
Then why do we watch it?
It makes me feel good to see how not funny it is.
America doesn't know funny. It makes it easier not being on TV.
That would just mean I'm not really talented.
You are a sick fuck, you know that?
I don't know why you--
-Don't you do that. -I'm trying to watch!
You have too many thoughts rolling around up there.
You're very self-absorbed, Jack. God, divert yourself.
My God, read a book.
It's important to think.
It separates us from lentils and people that read books like Love Song.
Great book, dumb title.
You know, you used to say that you liked that about me.
You said you liked that we didn't have to think all the time.
That we could just be together and not think.
Suicidal paranoiacs will say anything to get laid.
Have another drink, Jack. It's on the house, like everything.
I hope your children treat you with the same disrespect.
I got a fever. I'm dying.
You're not dying. You have a cold.
And besides, you can't die, because we have to go to the Billy Joel concert.
Forgive me!
Madness.
Shit!
Fuck!
Forgive me!
Fuck.
Hey, watch it, asshole!
Well, forgive me! Fuckhead!
Hey, over here!
Here I am!
Oh, taxi!
Hello! Merry Christmas!
Hey, buddy. Buddy, help a guy out.
Help me out with a quarter. Come on, sport!
Hey, I told you!
What's the matter with you?
Get away from me! Get away from me! You're a maniac!
You're crazy!
Mr. Bum.
Here.
Anybody here named Jiminy?
You ever read any Nietzsche?
Nietzsche says there are two kinds of people in the world.
People who are destined for greatness...
...like Walt Disney...
...and Hitler.
And then there's the rest of us.
He called us "the bungled and the botched."
We get teased.
We sometimes get close to greatness...
...but we never get there.
We're the expendable masses.
We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin...
...get gunned down in Dairy Queens.
You want to hear the new title of my biography...
...my little ltalian friend?
" It Was No Fucking Picnic: The Jack Lucas Story."
You like it?
Il No Va Esta Fuckin' Picnicko.
You're a good kid.
You say no to drugs.
You ever get the feeling sometimes...
...you're being punished for your sins?
Hey, what's going on?
I said, what's going on?
What are you doing here, man?
You shouldn't hang around here!
I was just leaving.
People spend a lot of money for this neighbourhood.
It's not fair. Looking out their windows to see your ass on the streets!
Yes, I agree.
Good. That's very good.
Do you believe this drunk?
Me neither, man! Do it!
Hold, varlet!
Or feel the sting of my shaft!
In the name of Blanche de Fleur...
...unhand that errant knight!
Do you speak English?
Let the bum go, dipshit!
Mendacity! Why are two city squires like you abusing a knight like this?
Are you a faggot too?
Faggot? No, but I do believe in fairies.
-Not without dinner. -Are you fucking nuts?
Viola! Let's show him what he's won!
I advise you to let us go.
You advise us, huh?
Yes. You're outnumbered, son.
Can't you see?
Looks like Night of the Living Dead.
Come on, go for it!
-They can't do nothing! -Can't do nothing.
Can't do nothing!
Nothing?
Gentlemen!
Oh, look. It's showtime.
You know, boys...
...there's three things in this world that you need:
Respect for all kinds of life...
...a nice bowel movement on a regular basis...
...and a navy blazer. Oh! And one more thing:
Never take your eye off the ball!
The ability to be a shithead can be a fabulous advantage.
Please. Don't hurt me!
Why? So you can be healthy when you jump? No.
You can't leave me tied up out here alone, you faggot!
You're not gonna be alone.
Come and get it!
I need a drink!
I know a fabulous place with great ambiance.
What do you think of the death penalty?
Death's definitely a penalty. Ain't no fucking gift.
Life's too goddamn short.
Great place, huh?
-How are you tonight? -Not bad, John. You?
-Can't complain. -Anybody for a fruit pie?
-No, thank you. Too fattening. -Crazy fucking....
Have a drink!
I better be leaving.
I think they like you.
You were great tonight, Parry.
Welcome back.
How you feeling?
-Have I died? -Oh, no.
Hey, easy, easy. Want to get up?
There you go. Gravity works. Take it real slow. There you go.
Take a few breaths, huh?
Where am l?
It's my domicile.
It's my humble abode.
Mi casa es su casa.
Want something to eat? Your stomach must be a real tabula rasa.
I don't know if these are raisins or rat shit. You can't tell.
Fruit pie?
I was off by a couple of months.
It's nice to have company.
Where are my shoes?
-What? -Where?
-What? -What?
Excuse me.
What is it? We've got company.
What?
I knew it. I knew it last night.
I did too. I did. Don't--
He's The One!
Can you keep a secret?
-No. -Good.
-You know what the little people said? -The " little people"?
You know.
They said you're The One.
The one what?
Shut up!
Get away from him!
This'll get rid--
Wintergreen. So sorry about this.
Oh, there we are.
They said you're not ready to know yet.
I'm not?
He is too!
Get out of here. Fuck off!
Beat it!
I have rights!
Fly up there. Oh, yeah.
Come on! Out of here!
You can't be in there.
You're frightening him!
Do you know who I am?
-I'm drawing a blank. -Take a guess.
Let him guess.
You seem to be some kind of vigilante.
That happens along the way, of course.
Here's a clue.
A hood ornament?
I'm a knight.
On a special quest.
And I need help.
Quest?
That's why they sent you.
-The little-- -Yes, yes.
You see, they work for Him.
So do l.
Him?
God.
I'm the janitor of God.
I know.
I know how you feel.
They came to me about a year ago.
I was sitting on the john, having a really satisfying bowel movement.
Those ones that border on mystical, where you're like....
And there they were.
Hundreds of the cutest little fat people...
...floating right in front of me.
It was wonderful. And then...
...they spoke.
And they said that I had been chosen...
...to get back something very special that He had lost.
My part will be very dangerous. I said, "Whoa!
Hold it right there." I mean....
If you see floating little fat people, say you're on a mission from God...
...they'll slap you some heavy Thorazine. I said, "Give me a sign."
And they said, " Look in Progressive Architecture, February '88, page 33."
That's pretty specific, huh?
Bingo! He knows.
He knows. He does. It's right here.
Where is it? A, B, F, M. M!
Under Miscellaneous, not Mythology.
Look at this. Here it is.
See it?
-Langdon Carmichael. -No, no.
Right there.
See it?
What?
The Grail.
The Holy Grail.
It's God's symbol of divine grace.
The Holy....
Some billionaire has got the Holy Grail in his library on Fifth Avenue?
I know. Who'd think you'd find anything divine there?
I don't mean to be flippant or enrage you, but you're a psychotic man.
-I know. -A very nice psychotic man.
I appreciate what you did.
-lt was a brave and noble thing. -You're embarrassing me.
I'll see a lot of you on various talk shows when you get the Grail.
Please don't go!
I can't.
I can't get it.
Because he's out there.
He's always out there.
That's why you can get it. That's why you're The One.
I'm not The One.
I'm not anyone.
Forget about the shoes.
I'm gonna take a cab.
-Parry. -Parry, I'm Jack.
I know.
Oh, wait!
They're-- Here they are.
Here you go. There's the--
You can keep the doll.
Hey, thanks a mil, huh?
Now that you know where we are, don't be a stranger.
Come back. We'll rummage.
Take care of yourself, Jack. Give my love to the wife.
I'm not married.
Really? You look married.
Don't be a stranger.
See you.
Hey, where you coming from?
The basement, I think.
I tell him no visitors!
Hey, hold it!
Listen. You a friend of Parry's?
I don't allow no entertaining.
I let him stay here because of the tragedy.
But I'm not running a hotel. And nobody's taking advantage of me.
Tragedy?
He and his wife were in some bar...
...and some nut comes in with a shotgun and blew the place apart.
Splattered her brains all over the walls.
She was a beautiful girl.
Never knew what hit her.
You ought to have heard about that nut who listened to the radio.
You could've been attacked, raped, God knows!
I was up all night long, Jack.
Sorry.
-A guy wants to check out the pornos. -So send him back.
What the hell happened?
I was attacked.
What?
Oh, baby!
-Two kids tried to set me on fire. -Oh, my God!
What did they do to you?
You almost done?
-Are you looking for a story? -I've seen most of them.
Here. Creamer Versus Creamer. Won an award. Go.
Did you call the police? Do you want me to call up the doctor?
Are you sure?
So where did you sleep last night?
I stayed at a friend's, Anne.
Okay, Jack. I want you to be up-front with me now.
If you're seeing somebody else, tell me.
Don't pour gasoline all over yourself...
...and light a match just to break up with me.
Just tell me the truth.
I was not seeing anyone else.
I really was attacked.
-I've got a cut here. -Okay, I see it now. I'm sorry.
I love you. What are you gonna do?
You don't have to say it back.
Although it wouldn't break your jaw to try.
You know what the Holy Grail is?
Holy Grail?
Yeah, I know that one. That was like Jesus' juice glass.
Yeah, I used to be such a Catholic.
-Do you still believe in God? -You gotta believe in God.
But I don't believe that God made men in His image.
Most of the shit that happens is because of men.
No, I think man was made in the Devil's image...
...and women were created out of God.
After all, women have babies, which is kind of like creating.
And it accounts for the fact that women are so attracted to men.
Let's face it, the Devil is a hell of a lot more interesting.
I've slept with some saints in my day, and believe me....
Boring!
So the whole point of life...
...I think, is for men and women...
...to get married, so that God and the Devil can get together...
...and work it out.
Not that we have to get married or anything.
God forbid.
You have a little thing right here.
What, a pimple?
This stuff is supposed to blend with my skin. Like it works.
No, I don't think I'm up for it tonight, honey.
I just had a very traumatic experience.
I'm getting sick.
Careful, careful, careful now.
Anne, I spent the night in a boiler room.
I'm tired.
I'm upset. I don't--
I'm not in the mood, okay?
Parry?
Can I help you?
I was looking for Parry.
He's not here.
The hospital said it'd be best to keep certain things away from him.
There, that's his real name. Henry Sagan.
He was a teacher at Hunter College.
They kept him in a mental place over on Staten lsland.
He did not speak for a year, and then suddenly he started talking.
Only now, he's this " Parry" guy.
He and his wife used to live upstairs.
When he got released...
...they sent him here.
I felt bad.
He couldn't work.
Nobody wanted him.
So I let him stay in the basement.
He helped out. I'd give him a couple of dollars.
People throw things away, he gets them.
She was a beautiful girl.
He was crazy about her.
I appreciate the way you deal with people. I'm a big fan.
I enjoy and appreciate it.
I especially appreciated it when you told that old schmuck--
Who does he think he is, talking about the money you made?
Who was he to ask Jack Lucas anything?
Asshole.
I listen to you every day.
You are a consistent, integral man. I mean it.
What's the matter, baby?
Can't sleep?
I'll tell you something, Anne.
I really feel cursed.
Stop it.
Things will change.
I feel like I'm a magnet, but I attract shit!
Out of all the people in this city...
...why'd I meet a man whose wife I killed?
You didn't kill anybody. Stop it.
I wish there was some way I could...
...just pay the fine and go home.
I know, I know.
Oh, baby.
Have you seen Parry?
--affliction thou hast made me suffer.
Deign, princess, to remember thy slave who endures misery for love of thee.
-Parry. -Hi, Jack.
I thought you could use--
Come on.
She'll be back.
Isn't she a vision?
Yeah, gorgeous. I just wanted to....
Come on.
Wait, wait. Hey, look.
I'm leaving. I'm going. I wanted to give you--
Shit!
Now!
Here. Come here!
This way. Down!
She buys a new book every two days.
Sweetheart, what the hell you doing?
She's into trash. But what are you gonna do?
She loves dumplings.
That's her Wednesday ritual.
Oh, it's so sweet. She does that every time.
We're looking through the window. You got a problem?
I'm looking through the fucking window! Come on, let's go.
If they said I'd love a girl who chews jawbreakers, I'd say they were nuts.
But look at that jaw!
There she goes.
You follow her every day, huh?
Oh, it's not like that. I'm deeply smitten.
-What's her name? -I don't know.
A cooler!
This is beautiful. Needs work.
Here. Come here.
I just would like to help you.
Fifty dollars?
All right, here.
Here's another 20. Will that do it?
Seventy dollars?
How much is this gonna take?
You're so nice, l....
That's okay.
Can I take you to lunch?
No, I gotta go back to work.
Take care of yourself.
Sell!
Buy! Buy!
Fuck them all!
What are you doing? Give that back!
What are you doing? Jack, let go!
-What the fuck are you doing? -Why did you do that?
-I gave that to you! -What am l--?
I don't know, but I gave it to you to help you, not to help him.
Do you really want to help me?
Okay, you can open your eyes.
Pretty impressive, huh?
As formidable as it seems, everything has its weakness.
There's no moat.
You can't just break into Langdon Carmichael's house.
-He's done nothing-- -I'll deal with it!
Let's go through this again.
-Listen to me. -There is the Holy Grail--
Don't drool or roll your eyes when I say this.
But you shouldn't be doing this. There is no Holy Grail.
Jack, ye of little faith.
There must be. What were the Crusades, the Pope's publicity stunt?
You heathen, there's a Grail. Come on.
Wait, look. Wait a minute.
You're only partly insane.
People like you can lead semi-normal lives. You can get a job.
I have a job, Jack. I have a quest.
I take it back. You're fucking deranged.
You'll get yourself killed getting in.
That's so sweet.
Now I know what you're doing. Protecting me.
You think there's danger.
No, I think you're a moron, and I don't want to get in trouble.
You care!
First the money, now this.
That's so sweet. Oh, you fabulous guy, you--!
Don't hug me in public again.
" Men with men." Oh, Jack!
I love this guy!
You hear me? I love this guy!
Oh, you hear me, jaded city?
-Will you shut up? -I love Jack! He cares.
In this jaded motherfucking city, that you--
Shut up!
You hear me? I'm loopy about this guy.
You're a real human being.
You're a friend. A true friend.
I'm not. Believe me.
-I'm scum. -Come on.
I won't listen. You're a good guy.
I'm self-centred. I'm weak.
I don't have the willpower of a fly.
That's why the little people sent you. It's magic--!
I don't believe in little floating people, okay?
There is no magic!
But you're still gonna help me. That's what matters.
Parry, or whatever your name is...
...you know this isn't true, the Grail, voices.
Part of you knows it's not true!
We have to start planning now.
Listen to me!
You're acting weird.
I know who you are.
-You're an intelligent-- -Let go!
You taught at Hunter College!
Parry, you're a teacher!
What are you looking at?
He's afraid of you.
We've got him! Come on!
Holy shit!
We got him, Jack!
Yes!
I've got you!
I'm dying.
I can't breathe.
Isn't this a beautiful spot?
Who have we been chasing?
Can I ask this question now?
He's gone now.
We had him on the run.
If we had horses, we'd have had his ass.
Who?
What?
Who have we been chasing?
I thought you saw him.
Saw who?
The Red Knight.
I gave you the money.
You want to keep it, fine.
You want to give it away, fine.
I just want You to know I did give him the money, okay?
Are we clear?
Who are you talking to, Jack?
Help me! Somebody, please!
Heaven be praised for an opportunity to fulfill my profession.
These cries proceed from a miserable person in need of my aid.
This is too hard.
Help me!
You lady on the horse, please trample me!
Over here!
No, no. Get away from me!
We won't hurt you. I won't hurt you!
That's what the other guy said. Leave me alone!
I want to help you.
No, I want to go. Please, let me go now!
Scarecrow, they knocked your stuffing out. Let me help.
No, I want a debutante on a horse to step on me.
Leave me alone.
Sorry, but the debutante days are over.
Isn't it awful?
Poor little Gloria.
Poor Brenda Frazier.
They ruined them. They ate them alive!
What about Slim Keith? That Guggenheim girl?
lmposters! Leave me alone.
Jack, lend a hand.
He should sleep it off. Somebody'll take care of him.
Who? Mother Teresa? She's retired. It's just us.
Maybe he wants to stay. You want to stay?
Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just love bleeding in horseshit.
How very Gandhi-esque of you.
-No, please-- -Doctor!
I was born in a place like this. I don't want to be here.
Please, let me....
Take care of him.
I want to go. Please let me go.
Where do you want to go?
A nice place that I know about.
We can go there later.
We can't go there tonight.
-Maybe. Where do you want to go? -We can't. No, we can't.
Hey, come on.
Where do you want to go?
Venice!
Like Katharine Hepburn in Summertime.
Why can't I be Katharine Hepburn?
I want to die!
I just want to die!
That's it!
Okay, ready?
-I'm in the wrong place. -Aren't we all?
Don't hold back. Okay!
Where will I put the children? Goddamn daughter-in-law!
Comes in looking for dust balls.
Get the fuck out of my dining room, you asshole!
Wonderful feeling, but you're stretching.
Come on, tempo. Allegro, people, allegro.
When you....
Did you lose your mind all of a sudden, or was it a slow, gradual process?
Well, I'm a singer by trade.
Summer stock, nightclub revues, that sort of thing.
And God, I absolutely lived for it.
I can do Gypsy, every part. I can do it backwards.
Then one night, in the middle of singing " Funny" ...
...suddenly it hit me.
What does all this mean?
I mean, that, plus the fact that I'd watched all my friends die.
Sound like a veteran, don't I?
-Fuck off! -My dad would be so proud of me.
Pizza!
About time.
Never gonna find her in this crowd.
She's like clockwork. She comes here at the same time every day.
She's late.
Thank you.
Did you hear Jimmy Nickels got picked up yesterday?
Oh, yeah?
He got caught pissing on a bookstore.
Man's a pig.
No excuse for that. Thank you, babe.
We're heading for social anarchy when people piss on bookstores.
Asshole!
Didn't even look at you.
Well, he's paying, so he don't have to look.
See, guy goes to work every day, eight hours a day, seven days a week.
Gets his nuts so tight in a vice...
...he starts questioning the very fabric of his existence.
Then one day, about quitting time...
...boss calls him in the office and says:
" Hey, Bob, why don't you come in here and kiss my ass for me?"
Well, he says, " Hell with it.
I don't care what happens.
I just want to see the expression on his face...
...as I jam this pair of scissors into his arm."
Then he thinks of me.
He says, "Wait a minute.
I got both my arms. I got both my legs.
At least I'm not begging for a living."
Sure enough, Bob's gonna put those scissors down and pucker right up.
See, I'm what you call kind of a moral traffic light, really.
I'm like saying, " Red. Go no further."
I do not need this!
A woman my age.
I'm a person. There's a person here. This is kid stuff!
You come, you go. All I do is cook, like a jerk!
You waste a good lasagne.
I don't need this. Find yourself another dope.
Son of a bitch!
God, what a beautiful night, Jack.
Don't you think it's time to go now?
Running around in the day is okay...
...but at night, we could be killed by a variety of people.
That's stupid, Jack.
This park is mine as much as it is theirs.
Is it fair that they can keep us out?
To make us think we might get killed?
-I think it's very fair. -I don't.
-What are you doing? -I'm cloud-busting. You ever done it?
Lie back, concentrate on the clouds and break them apart with your mind.
-But you have to be nude. -You can't do this!
You can't be naked in a field in New York. It's too Midwestern.
Come on, Jack. It's wild! It's really freeing!
Your nipples are hard, little guy's dangling.
-Come on! -What are you afraid of?
You're pissing me off.
We're bare-assed naked in the middle of it!
I'm not doing this. This is nuts!
-I'm leaving. -Free yourself!
You know why dogs do this? It feels good!
I'm not doing that.
Yes, yo!
-I'm leaving. -Come on. Get back to your roots.
The man talks to invisible people, he sees invisible horses...
...and he's naked in the middle of Central Park.
I'm not surprised, I'm out of my mind to be here!
Who are you talking to?
I'm talking to the little people!
Are they here?
They're saying, "Jack, go to the liquor store...
...findeth the Jack of Daniels that ye may be shitfaced!
Doolang, doolang!"
They said that?
You are out of your fucking mind!
Bingo!
Come on. Free up the little guy. Let him flap in the breeze.
Nothing's happening.
Concentrate.
What if some homophobic jogger runs by...
...and kills us to get back at his father?
"Jack Lucas, found dead next to a dead, naked man.
The two were dead. His companion was naked."
I hate it when they say "companion." It's so insinuating.
Probably boost the sales of my biography.
The public has a fascination with celebrity murders involving nakedness.
I may be going out on a limb here, but you don't seem like a happy camper.
Did you ever hear the story of the Fisher King?
Begins with the king as a boy having to sleep alone...
...in the forest to prove his courage so he can become king.
While he's spending the night alone...
...he's visited by a sacred vision.
Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail...
...symbol of God's divine grace.
A voice said to him, "You shall be keeper of the Grail...
...so that it may heal the hearts of men."
But the boy was blinded by greater visions of a life...
...filled with power and glory and beauty.
And in this state of radical amazement...
...he felt for a brief moment, not like a boy...
...but invincible.
Like God.
So he reached in the fire to take the Grail...
...and the Grail vanished...
...leaving him with his hand in the fire to be terribly wounded.
Now, as this boy grew older...
...his wound grew deeper.
Until one day...
...life for him lost its reason.
He had no faith in any men, not even himself.
He couldn't love...
...or feel loved. He was sick with experience.
He began to die.
One day, a fool wandered into the castle...
...and found the king alone.
And being a fool, he was simple-minded. He didn't see a king.
He only saw a man alone...
...and in pain.
And he asked the king, "What ails you, friend?"
And the king replied:
" I'm thirsty and I need some water to cool my throat."
So the fool took a cup from beside his bed, filled it with water...
...and handed it to the king.
And as the king began to drink...
...he realized his wound was healed.
He looked and there was the Holy Grail...
...that which he sought all of his life.
He turned to the fool and said:
" How could you find that which my brightest and bravest could not?"
The fool replied:
" I don't know.
I only knew that you were thirsty."
It's very beautiful.
I think I heard that at a lecture once. I don't know.
It was a professor....
At Hunt--
How come you never ask that girl for a date?
I can't ask, I have to earn her.
Come on, this is the 20th century. You don't have to earn a woman.
Maybe after we get the Grail.
But she could help you get the Grail.
You know, I mean, women are great.
They make homes...
...and they kill the livestock...
...so the knights can go and get Grails.
Slaughter villages with a clear head.
Where would King Arthur be without Guinevere?
Happily married, probably.
Well, that's a bad example. But trust me on this.
A woman who loves you keeps you going, gives you strength.
Makes you feel like you can do anything.
Is that what your girlfriend does for you?
Sure, yeah.
Get out of the fucking way!
Yes. Two Hearts Publishing?
May I speak to Lydia, please?
Lydia? Who is Lydia?
I don't know her last name.
You are calling Lydia from my apartment?
You must think I'm some dope.
You son of a bitch!
-Her name is Lydia! -You stay out all night long.
You stroll in here at noon.
You think I need this? I don't.
Oh, shit!
I was not with a woman last night. I was out with Parry!
The moron?
He's not a moron.
Who's Lydia?
Lydia is the girl that Parry likes.
I thought--
-What? -You wouldn't understand.
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid. That pisses me off.
I'm sorry. I feel indebted to the guy, okay?
What's that mean?
-There, you see? -What does it mean?
I thought that if I could help him in some way...
...get him this girl that he loves...
...that maybe, you know...
...things would change for me.
Forget it. It's a dumb fucking idea.
You big galoot. You are such a mess.
Well, listen.
Stranger things...
...have been known...
...to happen.
Who is this?
Hello, Lydia!
This is Jack Lucas. I'm calling from Video Spot Video Rentals.
Lydia, you are a major credit-card holder, are you not?
I've got some good news for you.
Of several credit-card holders, in conjunction with several companies--
Which ones? Which ones?
All of them.
Which means that you have just won a free membership at our store.
How did this happen?
My name was--
Is my name on a list?
Did you pick it out of a hat?
It was a list.
Were a lot of people there? Or just you?
There were....
What's the difference?
I've never won anything in my life.
And I don't even have a VCR--
You'll get a free VCR with a membership--